Have you ever sat and brainstormed about inventions when you were little? Did you feel the thrill, the rush, at believing that you might create something that nobody’s ever used before? Many people want to patent inventions that they come up with in their youth but they end up realizing that someone has already been there before, according to various patent lawyers around the world. However, some inventions are so unique that they truly don’t have any comparable counterparts. We decided to look up some of the most unique and decidedly pointless inventions in the world. Listed below are the 14 most useless inventions known to mankind.
The Shoe Umbrella
Have you ever been walking down the street when it started to rain and wonder, for the life of you, what you could do to keep your nice shoes dry? We’re sure that someone, somewhere, has had this complaint and as a result there is a solution on the rise: the Shoe Umbrella. This invention, which no doubt came from a top of the lien invention company, is exactly what it implies it is: a pair of umbrellas that you strap to your shoes. We’re sure that these are uncomfortable to wear and we are positive that they probably destroy your shins but, well, the top of your shoes will stay a little more dry. Uh, yeah, we’re not sure that we can get behind this invention — not really. It should make you content to know that someone, somewhere, no doubt has a pair of these in their closet. Ah, the age of the internet.
The Shoe Umbrella
The Ctrl+Alt+Delete Wand
Believe it or not there was a time when typing wasn’t considered a required life skill and the ability to work a computer was a real specialty. Back then you’d have people hunting and pecking each letter with single fingered typing skills, so anything that could speed up the process was probably cherished. That’s the angle that the creators of the Control Alt Delete Wand surely took when developing their ‘amazing invention’. This wand was measured to be the exact length of the keyboard and it had three ‘fingers’ that were perfectly lined up with the aforementioned keys. You would hold the wand over the keyboard and press down, initiating your Control Alt Delete sequence in a single smooth push of the handle. Yeah, it totally didn’t save you any time and the device itself was clunky to hang around the computer. But, ah, well this was the time before you could even get car insurance online, so we’re not sure what to really expect out of these tech gadgets. Good job trying, we guess?
The Ctrl+Alt+Delete Wand
Steering Wheel Tray
Is driving around not dangerous enough for you? If so simply buy yourself a Steering Wheel Tray so that the police can laugh at you when you end up in your tenth fender bender of the week. The Steering Wheel Tray makes sense if you don’t think about it. it’s basically a plastic tray that you clip to your steering wheel so that you can hold food or whatever dangerous distraction you want in place. Yeah, just don’t turn the wheel or everything will go flying off. Maybe it’d work during your lunch break, but that isn’t exactly high praise. We would advise not mentioning the tray during your hunt for discount auto insurance.
Steering Wheel Tray
Car Exhaust Grill
We have no idea if this was actually a real invention or if it was cleverly created by some internet trolls to fool us. Either way, take a look at your Car Exhaust Grill. This grill attached directly to your car exhaust pipe and it funneled heat in over whatever poor meat you sealed inside of its body. The advertisement reads, “Cooking while driving! Save energy and time” while later saying, “Have some fun”. We aren’t sure there is anything remotely fun sounding about eating a burger that was grilled by the fumes being expelled by your car. In fact, we’re pretty sure that anything you cook with this hell-spawn would likely poison you. Get your enemy a Car Exhaust Grill for their birthday, we guess, because nobody you love should ever see one of these with their name on it.
Car Exhaust Grill
The Baby Mop
This invention is only as useless as your baby. Wait, that came out wrong. What we mean to say is that if you have an active baby then the Baby Mop can be a difference maker in your house. The Baby Mop is as de-humanizing as it is hilarious. Essentially the Baby Mop is a mop pad that you can attach to your child’s clothing. As they crawl around the house they will undoubtedly begin to dust up the hard surfaced floors, thus becoming useful in at least a small sort of way. We kid, we kid. But really, if you want to get some hours of work out of your child before they understand what work is, grab yourself a Baby Mop.
The Baby Mop
Solar Powered Cigarette
Have you ever wanted a cigarette without having to have a lighter on you? Well throw the (gigantic) Solar Powered Cigarette into your pocket or purse and you’ll no doubt be lighting up at will, during the day, and after a considerable amount of waiting time. This device has you strap your cigarette onto a clunky metal bar while an attached magnifying glass laboriously redirects the sun toward the lighting end of your cig. We’re sure it works but why couldn’t it have been made smaller? Or more attractive? Or just not made at all?
Solar Powered Cigarette
The Food Mask
The Food Mask is the answer to your biggest problem: eating food without rocketing it around the room. This, ah, interesting looking mask straps to the front of your face and effectively makes you look like that dinosaur from Jurassic Park that spits poison into the computer nerds face. But, well, you don’t look as cool as the dinosaur — it will keep company away, though.
The Food Mask
Cat Wigs
Have you ever looked at your cats coat of natural, beautiful fur and wondered what God was thinking when he designed the creature? Well, now you can spruce up your cat with a handy wig of any color, shape and style. Just pick the wig you want, pay a gross amount of money, and then watch with contentment as your cat pulls it off of its head within seconds of you putting it on. Despite how awful this product is we’re sure that there are a scary amount of people looking to purchase it. If your friend buys a cat wig non-ironically then rethink your friendship with them.
Cat Wigs
Head Mounted Toilet Paper Dispenser
You know what it’s like when you need to blow your nose but don’t have any tissue — it’s tough! You have to awkwardly look around for something to use or borrow from a stranger. Now you can avoid this issue ever happening again while also turning into a total social outcast with the Head Mounted Toilet Paper Dispenser. This device charmingly straps what looks like a small toilet bowl to your head, from the chin of course, with space for a roll of toilet paper to be mounted. Now you can have a roll of TP on your head at all times, you know, like a successful person.
Head Mounted Toilet Paper Dispenser
The Lipstick Assistant
Do you have trouble putting on lipstick in the morning while NOT looking like Anthony Hopkin’s rendition of Hannibal Lecter? Well, the Lipstick Assistant is here to save the day. Merely strap on this horror story looking mask to your face and you’ll find that your lips are more accessible than ever. Think of the Lipstick Assistant as a tracing utensil for your lipstick.
The Lipstick Assistant
Butterstick
Do you want to make butter even more revolting to your overall health and wellbeing? Simply buy yourself a Butterstick and turn into the complete social shut in that you deserve to be. The Butterstick fixes the issue of having your butter look like food while reminding you of gluesticks during your special classes back in grade school. Yuck.
Butterstick
The Two Person Sweatshirt
You know your clingy boyfriend/girlfriend? How would you like to have them even closer without the possibility of being able to get away discreetly? The Two Person Sweatshirt is the perfect article of clothing for a relationship that features domineering or overly adorable people. You can both squeeze into the cheaply made, bulky sweatshirt and walk around like the clunky, awkward couple that we’re sure everyone sees you as. Still, it’d be kind of cute..if we had someone to share it with.
The Two Person Sweatshirt
Privacy Scarf
The Privacy Scarf is an invention that sounds great in practice but looks ridiculous in application. The goal of this article of clothing is to wear a scarf that allows you to extend the fabric in order to cover up your electronic device, thus offering you privacy if you wish to do banking, work, or anything else you want to keep private. Instead of looking sleek and modern it instead appears that a sock has exploded from your face, eating anything in front of you as a result. Kids, don’t buy this.
Privacy Scarf
The Watch Jacket
If you wear a watch then you know the struggles of needing to pull up your sleeve to check the time. The Watch Jacket is a one step solution to this unbearable physical and mental burden! This product simply provides you a jacket with a massive hole where your wrist watch will be. See? Aren’t inventions fun!
The Watch Jacket
